I must confess I would rather be napping at the moment, however my darling daughter wanted to be awake. Early Tuesday morning W was struck with the Egyptian virus, and, well, it was pretty bad. I was determined not to get it, so I made many efforts to keep everything sanitized. Sadly enough, my efforts failed. On Wednesday morning around 1 or 2 am, it began. From that time until mid morning is an absolute blur. W stayed home to watch the children, and maybe every hour and a half or so would bring me Sam so I could nurse her. I was so weak I couldn't even pick her up! My whopping 12lb. little girl. So, I'm better. Just weak... (reason for the desired napping).

I am so saddened by the death of little Bronner Burgess. I don't know if it's the fact that we have a two year old also, but it absolutely grieves me. I am so grateful for the reaction of their family though. Rick's message at Bronner's memorial service was so amazing (you can see it at www.rickandbubba.com ). I don't understand why God allows these things to happen, but as best as I know how I trust that He is God, and He is good.

In closing, my little Sam is holding her head up so good when she is on her tummy! She is close to hip-riding! Not there yet, but I suspect it will be in the next month or so. Also, Saving Sarah Cain is an AMAZING movie! The producers did a wonderful job of capturing the heart of the author (Beverly Lewis - one my my all time faves). In the Love Comes Softly series, they changed so much from the books to the movies that it is almost altogether different, but definite definite kudos to the producers of Saving Sarah Cain.

Weight Watchers

Just wanted to share with my few readers that tomorrow is my official first day of weight watchers. I joined today and have been reading to get a general understanding of the points system. I'm so excited to see this baby weight come off! My goal is 30lbs. I will hopefully keep the blog posted of my success (so I'm hoping!)

Birthy-ness

I can't begin to express my current thoughts. I am still amazed that I had natural childbirth with Sam. It was something I wanted to do for so long. After a successful epidural with T-Puppy, it was something I said I could never do. Now, I know this is the route I will take in the future. I *wish* I could sincerely say that it is because I desire it and want the natural way, but as I've written before, my body will no longer accept pain medication... so it's my only option! Now, I'm just trying to learn all I can about it and be more prepared next time. I'm honestly thinking we will skip the hospital all together. I can't say that I am ready for a home birth, but a birthing house seems more appropriate at this time for me. I know what you must be thinking... "good grief, her daughter is only 2 months old!" and touche. That she is. It's just that it is an experience that you never forget, and because of what I experienced, I want to know all I can to better the situation in years to come.

Books on my wish list:
Ina May's Guide to Childbirth - Ina May Gaskin
Spiritual midwifery - Ina May Gaskin
The Thinking Woman's Guide to Childbirth - Henci Goer
Natural Childbirth the Bradley Way
Husband Coached Childbirth: The Bradley Method of Childbirth

Definitely the last one. With both of my labors and deliveries, my husband has been absolutely amazing. T-Puppy's labor was a lot longer, and W was so patient and worked with me the whole way. Sam's was a lot quicker, but obviously more intense. He was so wonderful with telling me when to breathe, holding my hand, encouraging me constantly. With Sam's birth I repeatedly said "I can't do this... I can't do this" and as soon as I would say it, he would return with "Yes, you can... you are doing this... you are doing great Michelle." I am convinced he missed his calling as an OB! :)

In all of this... really, I just want and desire the Lord to show me more of Him. I don't feel like I've ever needed His love and grace as in childbirth. Who knows when the next child may come - only YHWH. Again as I've said before, I want him to birth His Spirit in and through me. From glory to glory, right? 2 Cor. 3:18

Christmas pictures... unedited.

understanding the things of God

I'm sure most of you heard about the shootings in Colorado on Sunday, December 9. The first was at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) and the second was at New Life Church. When W told me on Monday morning it hurt. It was one of those things I could not fathom in my mind. I went to foxnews.com and read the story... and it just absolutely grieved me. I started praying for their families and friends, and the family of the shooter. All day yesterday it was on my mind, and I kept thinking of the scripture "precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints." Psalm 116:15. I am grateful that it was their lives - because they had already spent their lives on the kingdom of God. I would rather it be someone (as Pete Saint said in "the end of the spear") who is ready for heaven die, so the others may have the opportunity for salvation.

But grasping this... understanding this. Where do you begin?

I feel like I pray so many prayers of protection over my family and friends... am I missing it? Would it be more beneficial to pray "God I trust you with these lives"?

I have no idea to any of these questions. I wish I understood the things of God... I pray in time and in each situation He will help me to a little more.

December? Wow.

I suppose it is true. Today is indeed December 1. As most people, as the new year is around the corner I tend to reflect on the past year. So much has happened. We found out we were pregnant in February! We thought several times at the beginning of the pregnancy that I had miscarried because of some bleeding... only to come out 9 months later with a beautiful bundle of joy named Sam who has brought a whole new dimension to our family. I can't believe she is already six weeks old. She is beginning to coo a lot and smile, too. This is such a precious age, but it goes by so quickly!

On a slightly different note, we have dear friends who are in the process of adopting a son from Ethiopia. I dreamed about this family last night, and in my dream I was trying to find the perfect gift to bless them with. I had so much excitement and anticipation for them to step off the plane with their new addition that I couldn't contain myself.

We are training T-Puppy to have "quiet time" and sit still and not talk for a set amount of time. We are working towards a goal of twenty minutes, however at this point we have successfully made it to five minutes (working our way up). This way if he goes into church with us or a meeting, he can sit still without us having to force it. I say all of this to say in this training, we let him listen to something he would consider boring: our choice, the teaching "Mordecai's Cry" by Jim Goll. As I've been sitting with him, and enjoying the teaching, the spirit of adoption is so present right now. Hearing him talk about Mordecai and Esther, and thinking about our friends adopting from Ethiopia... it's so exciting.

"Pure and undefiled religion is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27

W and I were talking a few weeks ago, and I made the comment "you have two children now!" and he responded something like "well, I actually have thirty!". I have to remember that God has indeed entrusted us with an "extra" family right now that we are responsible for - our youth group. I pray the day will come when He will allow us to adopt children into our physical family, however our hands are not empty right now.

The number 8 means new beginnings. I know that 2008 will hold many new beginnings for us (especially as W starts grad school) but I pray there will be many new beginnings in the Holy Spirit as well... I pray this for you, too.

Thanksgiving

We had a wonderful time in Cashiers, North Carolina for Thanksgiving. Sam traveled wonderful for a 5 week old baby! She did not cry once the entire trip up, and just fussed a little on the trip home. T-Puppy was such a good boy the whole time. Energetic, yes! But that is to be expected of a two year old in a new place. We had a great time just hanging out and...eating. Eating, eating. I guess that didn't help in my attempt to lose baby weight! The picture of me sleeping is not staged. W played golf on Friday and Saturday, and I just relaxed and... obviously, slept. It was so nice to have a vacation. W and I love North Carolina and hope to live there one day! When? Who knows... but it will be great when it happens.

The Newbie Pictures

I'll try!

I will try to get in as much as possible about Sam's birth... because she and T-Puppy are both sleeping at the moment. I tried to nap with them, but the sun is just too bright for me to sleep (this is a good problem, right?).

So, we arrived at the hospital at 6am. By 7, my nurse was putting in my IV of fluid and pitocin. Since I was so nervous about the pit, or "vitamin P" as my nurse jokingly called it, I was quite anxious for the epidural. Around 7:30 my doctor came in and broke my water. I was already 4cm and about 60%, so she said I could get the epidural whenever I wanted. I didn't want to experience what I experienced with T-Puppy (the pain... oh the pain...) but little did I know what was coming. The anesthesiologist came in a little after 8 and gave me the epidural. It was so much more intense this time than with T-Pup. Oh my goodness...the pressure. I read in my journal what I experience with T-Pup and I described the epi as "a poke and a sting". No way Jose, not this time. Ok, so back to this birth.

By about 8:40ish, I was really beginning to feel some hard contractions. I told my nurse, because I should have felt them getting weaker, not stronger (b/c of the epi). She increased the dosage, and needless to say, within thirty minutes there was no difference. She called the anesthesiologist back and he tinkered around for a minute, then tells me he thinks it would be best if he did another epidural. You can imagine how happy I was (mucho sarcasm here...). So, I sat up again, went through the whole routine of getting it again. It's now about 9:15am. The anesthesiologist (he really is a great man, so enjoyed his presence there - honestly) stayed in the room with us for most of the remaining part of my labor. He helped keep W and I both focused and was wonderful with telling me to stop talking (or screaming!) and to breathe. Within 10 minutes of the second epidural, I knew it wasn't going to work. And sure enough, it didn't. My contractions were so hard I just kept saying over and over "I can't do this, I can't do this" and at one point told my nurse I just wanted a c-section. She told me (in a "I'm gonna be real with you" way) that the meds they would give me for a c-section were the ones my body was already rejecting... and I would feel it all. So, I dropped that idea quickly!

Even though I was having such hard contractions, it allowed me to progress super quickly. I think that is the "thing" that got me through. With T-Puppy, while trying to go natural, after two hours of hard contractions and NO progress, I became soo discouraged. Overwhelmingly discouraged. So, at least this time I felt like I could "see" some results to my writhing in pain.

I knew there was nothing else they could do, and that I would be delivering her naturally. So, I just tried to stay as focused as I could. I still can't believe I had two failed epidurals. Anyway, the nurse and anesthesiologist stepped out of the room for a minute, and all of a sudden I had the urge to push. I told W and he (in love! a strong husband love!) got in my face and told me that I was indeed NOT going to push and he was indeed NOT going to deliver our baby! The nurse and anesthesiologist came back in and W told them I was talking about pushing, so she checked me and indeed... I was complete. She paged my doctor (whose office is connected to the hospital). I swear it felt like 10 minutes before she came, but Whitney promises me it was only 5. She literally walked in (and I not-so-nicely asked her what took so long...oh the things I say in labor) stepped into her scrub gown, got her gloves on, and in this 20 second process I said "WHEN CAN I PUSH?" (capitalized = screamed) and she said on your next contraction... "I'M CONTRACTING!" -- "Ok Michelle, then push". Funny side note: with T-Pup (and epidural) they counted for me to push (10, 9, 8...) which helped. So, I said "SOMEBODY COUNT FOR ME!" and the anesthesiologist said "1, breathe!" and with that, my little daughter was born. Only one push. Dr. Kakani wasn't even able to get her mask on.

All I can say to describe delivering her was that it was the best and worst feeling I've ever experienced. Best because I knew I was so close to being finished, worst because... I'll just say "the ring of fire".

Afterwards I just laid there and cried. I was so overwhelmed and couldn't comprehend that I had just delivered without pain medication.

The next day the anesthesiologist came in and told us that what happened to me doesn't happen that often, he actually said one-in-a-million. He said my body has an adhesion (possibly created from the epi with Thomas) that prevented the medicines from the epidural from going down. He also said that next time I would need to look into a throacic epidural, which was the only likely thing to work. Then I would be numb from the neck down. This terrifies me. I would rather just do the whole thing natural than go through with all those needles again.

The Lord knew I wanted to experience natural childbirth, I just didn't know He would take me serious. I know that sounds funny, but He took me at my word. That kind of puts things in perspective for me.

Just in time - my two year old is awake. Please pray I would allow the Lord to birth things IN and THROUGH me in the way HE desires. His way is so much better than my own.

Our Baby Girl

Our baby girl was born on October 18 at 10:37am. Little Sam weighed in at 7lbs. even and 19 inches long. She has been an absolute joy the past two weeks! She nurses like a pro and sleeps hours at a time. She is soo beautiful! I wish I could post more pictures but blogger isn't letting me right now.
I will update soon with the story of her birth. It was definitely an interesting experience that was not planned. If the Lord blesses us with another child... it will be handled differently!

Patiently waiting!

Ok, or maybe not so patiently. I'm trying though! I'm also trying to keep everything at home taken care of... keeping all the clothes washed, dishwasher unloaded, floors vacuumed. Whenever we go on vacation I clean the house before we leave so when we return it's all nice and... clean. Imagine that mindset times 500 million. I can't stand the thought of coming home from the hospital to things in a mess. I especially can't stand the thought of going to the hospital, having someone come to my house while I'm gone, and things being... not in order. I know some of this is nesting but I do confess some is my ocd. I am trying to be peaceful though! Do you believe me? Honestly... some things aren't worth the fuss or worry. I know this. I also know there is something to being prepared :)

So, tomorrow is our 38 week checkup. I am especially excited because I'm meeting Gretchen afterwards for coffee. I'm looking forward to some good one-on-one time with her! I talked to her last week for the first time in a while and since then... I'll say it's just good to be reminded of some things. In our lives right now, spiritual encouragement isn't always jumping out at us - so when it comes, we graciously receive it.

Well... this little break is going to end now. I'm going to try and rest a few minutes while Thomas is still sleeping. Hope this finds everyone well.

Little update

This picture was last week (36 weeks) but not much has changed - except gravity. I go tomorrow for my next check (37 weeks) and I'm pretty excited. Thomas was born at 37 weeks and 5 days, so maybe the appointment will help stimulate some labor. I'm also excited because we get to have a min day in Huntsville. Thomas loves to play with the train table at the bookstore, and of course Whitney and I being the nerds we are love any excuse to go to the bookstore. The only quazi negative thing is that my appointment is at 8am. It's a littler better than last week - it was at 7:45. That puts us leaving here no later than 6:45-6:50ish. Traffic gets a little crazy in Huntsville about 7:30, and my doctor's office is in the heart of the medical district, in the heart of the city. Even though we're about the same distance from Nashville, I would rather go to Huntsville any day. Maybe it's the AL in me. Nashville overwhelms me though... too many lanes of traffic.

A sweet family from our church brought us dinner tonight. She made lasagna and said we could put it in the freezer if we wanted, but it really couldn't have come at a better time. Cooking is something I love - but these days being on my feet is the last thing I want. So anyway we are having lasagna, salad, sister schubert's, and shortbread cookies with strawberries and whipped cream for dinner. God bless this family!

I don't really think I have anything else to add. I'm having 4 or 5 good contractions a day, but that is all. Like I said... hopefully going tomorrow will help!

Musings.

W pointed out to me last night that this is the first weekend in 3 weeks we haven't had company! We had a great time two weeks ago with Joseph, Shelby, and Gabriel and last weekend had a good time with my sister, brother-in-law, and their daughter Addison. We love our friends and familia, but it was nice to wake up this morning and start getting ready for church without having to worried about who would shower when.

Yesterday was a very eventful day. W took me to the church and they surprised me with a baby shower. We were ok before, but now we are definitely prepared to have a little girl. Most people might think this is crazy - but I got 5 diapers bags. I LOVE having options, so I was thrilled. My sister asked if I was taking any back and I think it surprised her how quickly I said no! My 2 favorites are the bigger ones - one is a Vera Bradley, and one is a large lime green bag with khaki trim and a big 'ole M monogrammed in brown on the side. I really like this one because the M can be for my first or last name :) it doesn't have to be for diapers :)

I went to the Doc this past Wednesday, and I am 2cm dilated! I could stay like this for weeks, but it is so nice to know there is a small amount of progress. Sam is measuring two weeks big, so any way you look at it I'm gonna be having a big baby. If I don't go on my own, then they will induce labor on October 19. My blood pressure is a little high so they don't want her to get too big and stay in too long. One of the families we know who was expecting a girl and got a boy - he weighed 9lbs. 6 oz. Wow.

Yesterday afternoon I took a quick nap then W and I went to a wedding for a girl he grew up with. It was nice... and always fun to meet some of his old friends. What is strange is that from what W and I have talked about before is that we were extremely alike in high school. Determined... passionate, zealous... for me to the point of actually losing people as friends because I had more judgment for them and their lifestyles than I did love and grace. What a waste to think back. I say this to say that when I meet his old friends, I can usually compare them to one of my old friends. Interesting. I think it was after my whole sorority experience that I began not to judge... to just see people where they were and love them that way, too. I know for sure after college when we were first married and ministering on the streets a big lesson of it came then, too. I learned you never know someone's story. Just because they were homeless didn't mean they chose that way of life - it was the card they were dealt. How we handle that card is what matters.

Well I am going to wrap this up so I can rest some before I start getting ready for church. We are studying Potiphar's wife today in SS so I hope to brush up on that for a minute too.

Sorry it's been so long.

This blog is really the last thing on my mind. There are times I enjoy it, but lately it's been more like "urgh I need to update". 3 out of the 4 people I know read it call me weekly so it's not really that... pressing. Anyhow.

T-Pup had his second birthday party a few weeks ago. We had a little pool and slip-n-slide at W's parent's house and did hamburgers and hot dogs with some friends and family. It wasn't near as large as last year, which was nice. I made a train cake that came out not professional, but better than normal for my cakes. T-Puppy has had the most fun with his little four-wheeler he got from his grandparents. He flies that thing down our driveway and inside the house cuts the corners very precisely. I say flies... it is made for children ages 18 months - 3 years, so the maximum speed is probably 1 mph... but he has a good time with it.

We are in full mode awaiting Sam's arrival. T-Puppy seems to be excited about "baby" and is helping out quite a bit. He likes to put his toys in the bassinet and say "baby wants to play with the big truck!" or whichever toy applies. It's so fun to see him excited. I can't wait to see how he interacts with her once she is here.

Our dear friends Greg and Gretchen had their tenth child on Saturday night. They were expecting a girl, however little David Price is the boy that came out! I don't know when we will be able to see them, but I hope it is soon. My... ten children! I know people think "uh, wow..." or some other slightly negative thought, but seriously. To whom much is given much is required. Plus, if you know G&G, who better to raise an army for the Lord?

All for now. Maybe we'll have a birth announcement soon!

Third Trimester

We're finally here. 7 months. On the homestretch now! I've started my OB checkups twice a month... this just makes it all go a little faster from here for me. I've enjoyed this pregnancy and have had ZERO complications thus far (thank you Jesus!) but this baby girl is low and very much pressing on my lower nerves and extremities. Usually by the end of the evening now I find myself waddling. Also... contractions are very much a part of every day. I'm starting to slow down a bit, sleeping more at night and resting more in the day. Listen, before long I'm gonna be on here asking you to pray for the spirit of deliverance :)

Random thoughts I suppose...

On no particular subject.

We had a great time at the beach. T-Pup absolutely had a blast - so much so that when we left he actually didn't talk to us for an hour. After that he would acknowledge us but only with a "wahhh" and he would quickly return to looking out the window. Talk about feeling lousy. I am glad he enjoyed it so thoroughly though.

Since that point, we have been busy with church. I was talking to Erin on the phone the other day and realized that W does not have any more trips scheduled any time soon. So nice. I know he is going to be glad for a break, too.

Oh yes! We are having a baby girl. It still hasn't really set in (even though I am 6 months and now obviously pregnant) so I'm wondering when it will become real. I suppose when I am screaming and writhing in labor it might be real. Guess we'll see :). I always heard people say that you forget about the pain of childbirth? How can you?

I have fresh coffee that just finished brewing - so understandably I will end this now :) priorities, my friends. Priorities. Ha! :)

fyi...

The picture below is the actual bathing suit... just not my body!!

Bathing suit Blues

First, I feel it is absolutely necessary to say I feel I have the absolute cutest, best bathing maternity suit. My blues come from what is under the suit... and the legs that hang out of it. It's just discouraging. As long as I was nursing, I held onto about 10 extra pounds. This was ok with me, because nursing is extremely important to me and it trumped the extra weight. I had the plan that when I stopped nursing, I would aggressively tackle the extra pounds and get into shape before another little one could be on the radar. Didn't happen. I nursed T-Pup for 18 months, however got pregnant at 16 months. So, the aggressive weight loss didn't happen. I thought maybe I could shed some in the first trimester, but felt so crumby I didn't even want to move. I really feel like this is the hardest part for me... as shallow as it may sound, I've never struggled with my weight. I'm trying to do my part to be healthy and exercise (while just around the house), and I'm ok with that. My health and the baby's health are more important than the way I look. Getting my cute maternity bathing suit in the mail today though has... just brought it all back to the surface.

I know a few of you who read this are not married and actually, are totally hot and beautiful. Please, for all, don't hear me as complaining... it really is hard though, and I'm just trying to share my frustration. Our dear Greg often says "all frustration comes from unfulfilled expectation." Once again, true in my life.

On a lighter note, the baby is moving a lot these days. I am now 4 months. We find out in 4 weeks what the sex is. We are going to keep the name a surprise until birth though. Fun stuff :)

We are going to the beach in 9 days, and boy I am excited. Just to lay on the beach (no matter what I look like) and enjoy the crashing waves and soft sand... hallelujah. Praise Jesus for his creation.

Sleep... or No Sleep?

I am so sleepy... however unable to sleep. I got into the bed at 10pm sharp, and well, here I am nearly 3 hours later. I've taken a sleepy pill (prego friendly) and played solitaire on my iPod while listening to my lullaby playlist. Still awake. Have you seen the commercials for "RLS" - restless leg syndrome? This is so me. And totally typical of my pregnancies. I had it with T-Pup but thought it was just part of pregnancy. Then, I started seeing the ads and commercials and felt liberated because it's actually a thing. You know, like not just in my mind. I asked my nurse practitioner about it and she kind of gave me a look and told me to take a benadryl before bed. Errr. I really feel like this could all be solved (along with my random back aches) with a chiropractor. Moulaa was my hesitation before for not going, but since my little ER visit in February when we found out we were pregnant, my deductible is about $85 shy of being met... so why not go? Anything to make the next 6.5 months more pleasant. Can I please have an amen...

So my birthday is Friday... big deal, right? I'm just thankful the Lord has allowed me to be here for 24 years. I'm also excited at the possibility that my hubby may be getting me a memory foam pillow (...hoping this will help the sleep thing...).

Saturday there is a Deal or No Deal casting call in Nashville. I soooo want to be on that show! I dreamed last January that I was on it. It wasn't really for the money either, just having a good time. I'm sure the producers would want to fly a pregnant woman and her friends to the show. I really don't want to go to Opry Mills and stand in a line for hours though. Note: if one of you reads this and decides to pursue, I better be one of your friends on the show :) Deal? ....

Going to have a midnight (eh, 1am) snack and head back to the bed. Hopefully, the Lord will place the spirit of rest upon me.

Rainy Saturday

It is so nice to have a slow day today. It is raining outside and expected to continue to rain for the rest of the day. We have been lounging around reading, watching cartoons, and snacking. Got to love it.

Yesterday was especially busy, the first part of the day (leaving home at 6:15am) spent in Huntsville. We had T-Pup's thyroid level checked and also my OB checkup. We were able to hear the baby's heartbeat, and it was 160. When I was 3 months pregnant with T-Pup his heart rate was 140. Hmmm... a girl possibly? I think it's just a wive's tale that girl's heart rates are faster, but who knows. We'll have our next ultrasound on June 7 to find out the sex. We'll tell that, but the name will be a surprise when it arrives. Anyway, after that we met up with the DeVries family for a few hours at the food court around the play yard. It was fun and refreshing to just be with them.

After we came back to P-town, we showered and got dressed for an evening out. W's parents came and picked Thomas up and shortly thereafter my dear friend Kara arrived with her Beau (that we had not yet met). We drove to Franklin and ate dinner at PF Chang's. It was my first time to eat there, and may I say, WOW! It was so good. The lettuce wraps were all that everyone made them out to be. I had doubts (being the picky eater I am) but it was sooo amazing. For my en tree I had lemon chicken with broccoli, and it also was top notch. Matt (Kara's beau) ordered us coconut ice cream w/raspberry sauce for desert.... and once again, amazing. We went to Starbuck's for just a bit to get coffee and wrap up our time together. It was so much fun and nice to have an evening out. By the time we were on our way back though W and I both were chomping at the bit to pick T-Pup up.

It was a little much to pack all into one day, but it was a good day. I think that is why I'm enjoying today so much :)

As for now, I'm heading back to the couch to read some more of "The Confession" by Beverly Lewis.